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Artistic Struggles to Break Back into Myself

Posted on Jan 28, 2016

For years, we’ve had this glorious ability to view what everyone is doing around the world, thanks to the internet. For as long as I can remember, my own artistic style would get pushed aside slightly, in order to try mimicking the styles of others. It’s silly, and downright degrading, to ones artistic self. However when I see what forms are appearing in pop culture, I’ll try them, become sad that it doesn’t look a thing like it should, and then walk away from my sketchbook for awhile.

This old sense of self died the other night. Reeling in a painful coward-pose on the bed (pretty sure that a Yoga move, somewhere), I allowed this struggling youth inside of me to emerge. We theoretically chatted, the Id and the Ego:

“You haven’t picked up your pens in awhile.”


“Are you aware that this type of negligent behaviour might be what makes you feel dead inside?”


“There comes an acceptance period, where we learn that what we have is just that; what tools exist in your skill-belt are unique to yourself, and only those will help you gravitate into that which is your own potential.”

[Ego shut up and listened.]

“Art is part of your inner self; your heart; your this and that; so why do we continually self-sabotage ourselves, only when trying to copy the styles of others? It’s like if Captain America tried doing what the Hulk is better at; he’d get himself killed in 5 seconds.”

“Bored now, lets’ do this then.”

In my own style — in that medium I’ve always been more comfortable with — when I taught myself how to draw as a child, I’d gravitate towards ball-point pens, and foolscap. While the results were neat, in later years, colleagues and professionals would remind the lot of us that “professional means clean lines; finished-styles; ooh and throw in some Anime, and then you’re mainstreamin’ it.

No. No more. I’ve been feeling lately as though I’m drowning in my own self; the other night, my ego decided to shut it’s useless mouth, and threw me a rope. At the end of that rope, was a ball-point pen, and the rest of the week has been history, so to speak:


This piece was conceived from Gotye records, and a love of H.P. Lovecraft and H.R. Giger. Not sure I understand what the hell is going on there, but he’s apparently quite happy to see us. The original thing was born from a love of horror/macabre, and wanting to design something wonderfully terrifying. This has always been a struggle for my inner artist, as the pieces always wind up looking like something I’d rather hug, than run away from.

Pen in hand, I want to see how I can nurture my own style back into heart. And while creative criticism is important to help one’s abilities grow, I don’t fully believe that it will, when searching for your own style. This reminds me of the “self talk” I’d had, in regards to the 3D modelling venture. I want to allow myself to grow in a more realistic, healthy artistic nature.

Through the ascent, back to the surface of myself, I’m comfy with leaving all outside influence behind me. My aim for the next few weeks, is to reintroduce that love of drawing to myself, without the pressures and unrealistic expectations that has come from so many other avenues.

Because the reality is that if you’re doing something to appeal to the masses, you’ll never get any further in your own style. It’s more important to love what you do, than become a cookie-cutter in the pop culture world. We can nurture ourselves for the better, for what it is that we truly love, and throw away the focus on what gains Likes for commercial purposes.

Today, my mantra will be, “This is for me. That is all.